In order to raise children who are confident, resilient and unafraid of making mistakes in life, it’s important that we acknowledge their achievements and give appropriate praise at every opportunity.
Make it appropriate
By praise I mean an 'intentional expression of the delight we experience as parents when we observe or hear about an act, achievement or attitude displayed by our children.'
For example,
"That was a good shot in the opening minutes of the match!"
"Well done for learning all your spellings, you've worked hard!"
"It was really kind of you to help your friend when she fell over!"
The positive effects of praise are well known. As parents we're capable of thinking back to our own childhood, identifying where we’d either received it or not, and comingto our own conclusions as to how important it is in the development of well rounded individuals.
Keep it genuine
But praise is to be genuine and specific. If we're not careful, in praising our children, its possible to do our them a disservice in efforts to raise their esteem. Being on the sideline shouting "Great pass!" when in truth my son's pass was no more than average, will (depending on his intuition) communicate and be interpreted as one of two things - average performance is 'great,' lowering the standard of his passing in the long term; or that dad's a pathetic liar.
Neither is good!
80/20 praise!
If you're anything like me though, it’s likely that this isn't the concern, as you find it easier to spot the negative than you do the positive anyway. As a result you can see that you spend a disproportionate amount of time challenging bad behaviour, rather than acknowledging and reinforcing the good.
Being aware of my tendency to spot the negative, I have to exercise restraint to ensure that I'm commending more than criticising. As parents we need to aim to praise 80% of the time whilst using the other 20% to challenge and correct when necessary.
But in providing praise it’s important that we're not patronising. What do I mean by this? Well, to praise our 4-year old daughter for getting up in the middle of the night to use the toilet would be an appropriate use of praise. To praise our 14-year old daughter for doing the same, would probably result in one of those contorted faced 'your weird!' teenage looks.
I'm sure you know what I mean.
Why is it important as parents to be genuine, specific and appropriate with the praise we give to our children? And what is the danger of giving frequent praise for things that are insignificant?
Well, as a recent study would suggest, as parents we run the risk of undervaluing the importance of discipline, diligence and determination, when we casually praise our children for things that require little or no effort on their part, or for things that we’d expect from them anyway, for example, showing basic manners like saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you.’
Children aren't stupid. They spot a fake 'hi-5' a mile off.
So if our aim is to develop their self esteem and willingness to aim high, our praise needs to be both genuine and meaningful.
Photo: Pink Sherbet Photography